There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
