"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
