Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
