He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dicks are not precious.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
