I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
