My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
