if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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