Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
