I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Randomize
