so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
