the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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