Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
