Only a mothe r could love this liver
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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