Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
