The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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