I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
