Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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