Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
