I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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