He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
