Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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