that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
