Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You did what with his pubic hair?
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