i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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