I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
