Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
