last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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