Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
