Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
