Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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