with your own penis?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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