I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
