thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
