Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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