i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
