I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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