If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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