I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
