I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
