9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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