Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
