Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
