Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
