Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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