I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
