You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
