and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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