I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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