And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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