i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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