i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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