awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
